I’m not Feeling Special Today

Many thoughts on my mind. Too many that at one point I decided not to write anything. But then I was like: I only have one birthday a year, and who knows if I’ll ever have the luxury of being a birthday girl again!

In terms of years, I have just turned 23, too many years for their accomplishments. But this year, I decided to change the measure. I decided to calculate my age by the dreams I had, those I’m trying to get rid of and those I’m eager to pursue. For many years I denied reality and clung to my dreams, some of which turned to be mere illusions, and maybe nightmares. This year I’m a new person, because I realized I should stop deferring what’s worth it for what’s not. There are something my mind knows are wrong, but my heart just won’t let me be right. I’m not going to shut my heart out and blindly follow my mind, but rather seek what’s right, what my soul yearns for, and follow my calling. This I have decided, and this I will, in sha’a Allah, follow for the year to come.

About my birthday, I was expecting it to be special in some way. I had fun, it was special in some other way, but I couldn’t help feeling bad. To have your best friends forgetting your birthday, it really hurts me. I mean I know there must be a reason, but I couldn’t but feel bad.

On the positive side of thing, I did some of my favorite things today. I went shopping with Nada, who wasn’t aware it was my birthday till she heard me talking to my cousin on the phone. She felt too bad and guilty, being my best friend since school days, and tried to make it up for me. We had fun! Sometimes it’s good when someone forgets your birthday 😀

I also received some nice messages, and even an unexpected call from a childhood friend, which really made my day, and another hilarious call from my uncle. There was also a message from my friend who was in Spain, she sent it sometime before midnight saying she sent it early because she was packing to come back and didn’t want to miss it! I felt a certain cordiality at reading it =)

I also received birthday wishes from several friends on Facebook, which was very nice because even those who I don’t know very well took time to wish me a happy birthday, and it was very nice of them!

But you know what still makes me somehow blue is that, you know, everyone seems to be drifting apart, and now at 23 some people forgot me on my birthday. This somehow terrifies me, loneliness is a horrible thing, because everyone has their own life, and who remembers you today may forget you tomorrow. I make new friends each year, and lose contact with other, and then what?

This may seem childish and ridiculous, but the problem is: On this day, I didn’t feel very special. But I know that the feeling of being special must stem from within, you don’t wait for people to give it to you. It’s just a temporal feeling I hope, because I chose to be blue this year. Because I chose to feel the bitterness of aloneness and growing apart. Maybe it will take me to a new level, and reality will finally seem more appealing.

Originally Posted on Saturday, September 01, 2007 on http://oeliwat.jeeran.com/archive/2007/9/309023.html

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