Last night I had a sudden notion of redemption, you may say it was some sort of an epiphany, but not quite exactly. It was something I realized was happening gradually but it’s reached the peak just then. It was like knowing that something was fading away little by little, and I was aware of it, but at that particular moment, I felt I was free.
It’s the blessing of moving on, of letting go, of getting over something. It was like something I waited for but half-heartedly wanted. Why? I asked myself that question. Well, I realized that it may have come just now because it was now that I felt the need to it. Before, I knew I had to do it, but I didn’t really want it, or maybe felt it wasn’t doing much harm. I found that, being a drama junkie, I have to have something to mope about in my life. I have to be obsessed with something. I need to be preoccupied or else things could get really dull for me.
But why now? Maybe because I felt harm was eminent, and it’s really time to let go. Maybe because I have more things to worry about now. So, let me just ask the question: Do we often cling to the past and let it haunt us because it makes the present more thrilling? Do we ever fail to let go when we really want to? Do we ever know what we really want? Or, in other words, do we ever do something unless we really want to do it?
I think that even when you’re forced to do something, you don’t do it unless you want to. For example, suppose you hate your job and say that you do it because you have to do it not because you want to. But in fact, you want to do it, because by doing it you’re making money to do other things you want to do, so at the end of the day what have to do it really means is: You choose to do it so you make yourself do it whether you like it or not. Even of someone forced you to do something, you actually choose to do it because you know that if you choose otherwise things might not work the way you want, so basically you’re doing what you want to do because you want to bring about other things or to avoid things that might happen. Thus, you’re never forced to do anything; you’re just weighing your choices and choosing the option with better advantages or maybe the lesser of two evils, at least from your own point of view.
Having lived by this paradigm for sometime now I found that it worked really fine with me. It results in not blaming anyone for what happens to you but yourself, and the secret why this brings me happiness is that when I blame it on myself I know I can do something about it because, you know, you have a better shot at changing yourself than you have at trying to change others.
Well, maybe I’m being too philosophical. Anyway, I have other fish to fry for the time being; don’t know if I’ll miss the drama anytime soon. But here’s a piece of advice for all drama fans: If you want to have drama in your life, do it in an environment friendly way and don’t take it out on others; let it only involve you and yourself. It’s nobody’s fault you turned out this way. No, not even your parents.
Knock yourself out…
Originally Posted on Saturday, May 24, 2008 on Saturday, May 24, 2008