How to Survive Valentine’s Day for Dummies

Yes, you hate it, you think it’s stupid, but the fact remains that: It’s everywhere! Wherever you go you’re faced with those little provocative ugly teddy bears carrying little vulgar red hearts, not to mention the ginormous amount of PDA and those blood-curdling teenage status messages on Facebook that make you just want to SCREAM BLUE MURDER! Or maybe red murder for that matter…

So, for all of you out there who think Valentine’s day is just a sad excuse for a hoax to fool people into buying over-priced red roses and make you feel unloved and unlovable, here are some tricks to help you pull through the day with hopefully minimum damage. For some people those very tips may come in handy on other occasions too, say, your birthday.

Now for your first line of defense you’re going to need a set of prescribed ideas to keep repeating in your head in case you were stung by that seasonal feeling of dramatic loneliness. I expect you would agree that these are quite rational and valid statements too.

1- I’m better off alone

Oh, of course you are. Of course it could be for all kinds of reasons like if you have intimacy issues, privacy issues, your cat died when you were 5 and you swore you wouldn’t get attached to another oxygen-breathing creature again, you can’t stand to be controlled, etc. OR maybe it’s simply because you’re insufferable. Surely enough there must be a reason behind that but, who wants to change it anyway?

2- Love makes you weak

Which is a euphemism for: nice and less selfish. Yeah, who wants to be like that? I mean, imagine if everyone became nicer and a little less selfish, what would happen to the world as we know it? Now, shake that image off, shake it off, there you go.

 

3- Nobody understands me

And Einstein is dead, so…

4- Love doesn’t exist

And this feeling you claim to experience is basically a flow of chemicals to the brain. You call them “butterflies” I call them “Nerve Growth Factor”.

5- All the good ones are taken

Which, I suppose, makes you one of the bad ones. A horrible, horrible person that no one can love.

6- Remember: Valentine is meant to celebrate the “Love of Humanity”

And keep reminding others of that too. Even if you’re usually a selfish capitalist or a social climbing sociopath, it probably wouldn’t hurt to assume the “we are the world” attitude for one day.

 

7- [New!] How can you celebrate love while there’s so much hate in the world?

Yes! Shame on you

 

Enough with the self-pity, now let’s move on to another technique: Emotional Eating. I wouldn’t really recommend that as it makes you feel greedy and repulsive and all kinds of bad feelings which could lead to more self-pity, but who doesn’t do it from time to time? So I’m not going to get all preachy about it, I’ll only say this: White chocolate is NOT chocolate.

 

Things to avoid:  Social Media especially Facebook, TV, Radio stations, Teenagers, newlyweds, public places, people in general… pretty much everything and everyone, just sleep it off.

And you especially want to avoid romantic movies for all the false hope they commercialize. You know, it doesn’t often happen in real life that 2 hunks are fighting over you and you get the better one at the end while the other one remains a good friend. Ya 3aini 3al ketheb.

You also need to face the facts. Stop weaving fairy tales out of thin air and drop misconceptions like “He’s being a jerk because he likes me” Oh really? Let me break it to you then: If he’s being a jerk, he’s not interested. If he’s avoiding you, he’s not interested. If he acts like he’s not interested then he sure as hell is not interested. However, if he’s sending mixed signals then YOU better not not be freakin’ interested. What are you, 13?

That’s pretty much about it. If this didn’t ruin the mood for you I don’t know what would. Enjoy the day!

15 responses

  1. ana I don`t need this “guide” , me is an expert aslan!🙂

    and # 5 = so, be a good one and get taken! :duh!:

    lol

    always a pleasure reading you Ola, always.

  2. lool love it u’re funny funny creative gurl..
    haha what are u 13?lol and einestine is dead , avoid ppl in general!!
    ilove ur blog and ur writings u have agreat way in putting out stuff like life :)haha kkeep it up

  3. Pingback: Best of the JO Blogs, 2nd Week February | my treasure

  4. Following the same (guidelines); my comment reappears:
    ana I don`t need this “guide” , me is an expert aslan!

    and # 5 = so, be a good one and get taken! :duh!:

    lol

    always a pleasure reading you Ola, always.
    ————-😛

    Regarding #7:

    Shame is all around us, Valen6ine vested or not😀
    ——
    I`m glad u didn`t include (twitter) in yr avoidance list🙂
    ——

    On a side note: I wanted to (do) a post where sheeshany household experiences 1st Val-day away from (home), but أحجمت
    !
    In a nutshell, my points would`ve been pretty much the exact opposite of yrz! People (the infidels) just act human (how rude!) and with no dramatic pressures.

  5. Lovelly post sounded so you i guess and some how founded my self in some parts too.
    I keep coming back here love ur way of writting
    All the best
    Ola

  6. It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this superb blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.

    I look forward to fresh updates and will talk about this blog
    with my Facebook group. Talk soon!

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