كأنها قلب انتزع من جسد

من امبارح وأنا عندي مشاعر مختلطة تجاه الاعتراف بفلسطين كدولة

من جهة مش قادرة أفرح، لأني عارفة إنه الاعتراف بدولة فلسطين على شكلها الحالي يعني الاستسلام لبقاء إسرائيل، يعني التنازل عن حق العودة وعن الأراضي المحتلة بالـ48. ويعني دولة ضمن احتلال، ويعني أشياء تانية حقيرة كتير. بمعنى آخر دولة نص كم

ومن جهة تانية ما بقدر إلا أنبسط إلأني شايفة نناس في فلسطين فرحانين، لأنه ممكن هاد الإشي يحسن حياة الناس هناك ولو شوي، ، ولأنهم حصلوا على شيء إسرائيل صارلها سنين بتحاول تمنعهم منه، وحصلوا عليه رغم معارضة إسرائيل وأمريكا

على كل حال مشاعري مش رح تفرق، اللي بطلعلهم يفتوا بهالموضوع هم الناس اللي عاشوا تحت الاحتلال وقاوموه وشوافوا ويلاته

مع ذلك لما شفت هاي الصورة حسيت إنها بتختصر كل شيء، وما قدرت إلا أكون سوداوية، لأنه اللي شفته ما كان دولة، اللي شفته في الصورة قلب منزوع من جسد

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Just a Funny Feeling

I’m in a funny mood tonight; I’m hoping it’s a good thing. And I’ve realized something today and I feel like writing but I don’t know what to write so all these factors have come together to form a perfect storm actually that I decided, why not write about what I realized? Well, in retrospect it looks like the obvious thing to write about

Anyway, I realized that I have a lot of fear and trepidation inside me. Of course I didn’t realize that because to people I usually seem like this girl who speaks her mind and rants about things that get me into endless debates with other people bla bla bla… but really, I’m a coward. Seriously, I know I could be bold talking about general stuff, criticizing social standards and what not, but there are certain things that I’m just too afraid to talk about, which is why I look like an idiot sometimes because the words are struggling to come out and my subconscious mind is struggling to suppress them. Many times I’m afraid to say what I want. Many times I answer with a “No” while inside of me I’m like “YES!”

But that’s nobody’s concern; I’m just talking to myself. Funny mood, I told you. Now the funny mood comes from another realization: I stopped caring. About what? Well, things I should’ve never cared about. People I shouldn’t have bothered with. And it’s funny, really, and I have no idea why. Just like I have no idea why I’m writing this, with a big smile all the way.

I had a good exercise today, perhaps I just have an excessive amount of endorphins.

Anyway, if you reached this point in the post, why would you even read this?

 

Are You Fine?

This is a litle something that I picked up today at the Noon Book Fair, where the book signing was awesome by the way, the best so far.

Anyway, you know how when you see something and it reminds you of certain people and you wonder how they’re doing? Yeah, I hope you’re doing fine if you’re one of them who happens to read this.

Anyway, I’ve been meaing to write for a while, vent out some stuff with all the craziness going on around. Yet, I’m still a selfish human being who has her own issues ot deal with so I was torn between venting about the general, obviosly much more more significant things and those mediocre personal insignificant ones.

So allow me here to be a little selfish, because this is currently the only space where I get to do personal.

About being “Fine”, I know I am, thank God. I am fine. But then, “Fine” doesn’t mean there is nothing wrong. And if there’s something wrong it doesn’t mean that you realize it. I for one was hit by that realization when I watched 7 episodes on one stupid drama show in a row. Yes, that’s how I chose to waste 5 hours of my life. And trust me when I tell you, I’m starting to feel that this stuff could cause serious brain damage. Don’t ask what the show was because I’m not going to tell, and I’m also not going to say why I was so intrigued by it. Let’s just say I was trying to avoid dealing with some stuff and that avoidance caught up with me.

But again you look at all the big things happening around and you realize how silly your problems are and that you really can live with them. And then it’s back to the real world were things aren’t quite fine. And perhaps those few lines in this random blogpost  are enough, I don’t to talk about anything anymore. Because I have nothing to complain about, and I truly thank God for that, it’s just that I need to find a better way to deal with things other than denial and avoidance, say for example: distraction.

Maybe I’ll just learn how to cook.

عن الحكومة والنسور وتحميل الجمايل

كشريحة كبيرة من الشعب الأردني استفزني كلام رئيس الوزراء عبد الله النسور اليوم، بس مش رح أحكي في التداعيات الاقتصادية والسياسية أكثر من إني كمواطنة من عائلة من الطبقة الوسطى بقدر أحكي إنه احنا كعائلة بنتأثر بقرار رفع الأسعار، وأي مبررات بيحكيها النسور أو غيره مش رح تغير هاد الواقع. بس احنا عنا بيت وبطانيات وصوبات وتدفئة للحالات القصوى والحمد لله، بس الناس اللي ما عندها شو تعمل؟

برضه مش هاد موضوعنا. موضوعنا جملة استفزتني في كلام النسور وهي عن التعليم لما حكى: حطينا دم قلبنا عشان الأردني يتعلم

عفواً جملة زي هاي ممكن تكون معقولة ومقبولة إذا كنا في بلد التعليم فيها مجاني، مش بلد حتى الجامعات الحكومية أقساطها ليست في متناول يد الجميع، وفي ناس قد تحرم من التعليم لأنه ما معهم يدفعوا قسط الجامعة. وكوني درست في جامعة حكومية وأهلي صرفوا علي أنا وكمان 2 من إخواني لحد الآن عشان ندرس في جامعات حكومية وعايشت كثيرين درسوا في جامعات حكومية فيمكنني أن أورد بعض النقاط التي كان على رئيس الوزراء أخذها بعين الاعتبار قبل أن يعايرنا بتعليمنا

أولاً: زي ما حكيت، معظم الأردنيين بدفعوا مقابل التعليم الجامعي، والأقساط ترتفع عاماً بعد عام بينما مستوى التعليم لا يتطور بل وقد ينحدر، لأنه صار اللي معه مصاري بقدر ياخد فرصة الشخص الذي يستحق مقعداً جامعياً بالفعل. يعني مثلاً ممكن واحد معدله بالتوجيهي 90 ما يطلعله تخصص أدب إنجليزي بالجامعة الأردنية لأنه الحد الأدنى للقبول 92، وييجي واحد معدله 70 يدخل نظام موازي وياخد المقعد في التخصص نفسه  لمجرد إنه بقدر يدفع 3 أشعاف سعر الساعة، وبكون زيه زي أي طالب داخل تنافس وبسجل محاضرات في الوقت نفسه يعني المسألة مش مسألة إنه المقاعد غير متوفرة، فإذا كان المقعد متوفر لمن يستطيع الدفع أكثر، لماذا لا يكون متوفراً لمن هو أحق به؟

ثانياً: السياسات الجامعية تشير إلى المقاصد المادية الشديدة للنظام التعليمي. مثال بسيط: في كلية الهندسة في جامعة اليرموك على سبيل المثال، إذا تدنى معدل الطالب إلى حد معين يكون أمامه خياران: إما أن يدفع قسطاً مضاعفاً وإما أن يغير تخصصه. لو أن سياسة الجامعة كانت تقضي أن يغير الطالب تخصصه أو أن يأخذ مادة إضافية لتفهمت الأمر، لكن أن يفتدي نفسه بدفع قسط مضاعف فهذا دليل مادية بحتة، لأن من يعاقب هنا ليس الطالب بل أهله الذين ينفقون عليه

ثالثاً: المحاباة والواسطة والانتقائية متغلغلة في النظام التعليمي الجامعي. فكم شخص درس على حساب الديوان لأنه عنده واسطة؟ اسأل أي شخص وستجد أنه يعرف مثالاً واحداً على الأقل، هذا عدا عن الواسطات من أنواع أخرى. طبعاً هاد الحكي بأثر على مستوى الجامعات، أنا تخرجت قبل 6 سنوات من الجامعة الأردنية ويوم تخرجي كنت مستاءة ومستحية لأني شايفة الطلاب فرحانين ومفتخرين بأنفسهم إنهم خريجين جامعة وأنا عارفة المستوى التدريسي اللي كان فيها وإنه بعض هؤلاء الطلاب كان يجرجروا جرجرة ويترجوا الدكاترة ترجاية عشان ينجحوهم بالمواد، على شو فرحانين؟ بلا نيلة. هاد غير عن المواد العملية التي تدرس بشكل نظري فبطلع الطالب من دون مهارات عملية يفترض أن تخصصه زوده بها، لأنه الهدف صار الشهادة وبس، ما نروح نشتري شهادات من أوكرانيا وروسيا ونخلص؟

ثالثاً: من الطبيعي إنه النسور يحكي هيك جمله كونه قال إنه أخد 4 بعثات دراسية من الحكومة. نعم، حكومتنا بتبعت ناس بعثات، بس اللي ما بعرفوه مل الناس إنه حتى هاي البعثات ما بتطلع لأي حدا، مش بس عشان الواسطة والمحسوبية، وكمان عشان الطالب اللي بده يطلع يكمل ماجستير على حساب جامعة حكومية مثلاً لازم يرهن عقار بقيمة 20 ألف للجامعة (قد يكون الرقم غير دقيق لأن ذاكرتي خانتني هنا  لكنني متأكدة إنه مش أقل من 20 ألف)، ومين الطالب اللي عنده أو عند أبوه ممتلكات بقيمة 20 ألف عشان يرهنها ويطلع يدرس؟ أنا شخصياً بعرف بنت كانت الأولى على دفعتها وطلعلها بعثة وما قدرت تطلع عشان ما كان عند أهلها إشي يرهنوه

ومن هنا أخي رئيس الوزراء، ولا إنت ولا أي مسؤول بطلعله يحكي إنكم حطيتوا دم قلبكم عشان الأردني يتعلم، عارف مين بطلعله يحكيها؟  الآباء والأمهات اللي بشتغلوا طول النهار وبداوموا إضافي عشان يدفعوا أقساط تعليم اولادهم، والطلاب اللي بشتغلوا 8 ساعات باليوم عشان ياخدوا فتافيت يدفعوا فيها أقساطهم الجامعية، المواطن الأردني اللي محكوم بإنه عشان يعيش بهاي البلد بكرامة ويلاقي وظيفة محترمة أو عشان يقدر يطلع منها ويلاقي عيشة كريمة برا لازم يدفع دم قلبه عشان ياخد شهادة مبالغ في قيمتها

فبلاش تحميل جمايل لأنه جميلتكم على حالكم، وإذا بدنا نقعد نمنن على بعض (والمنة لله طبعاً) بس إذا حدا بده يمنن عالتاني فهو الشعب اللي عم بشتغل وبدفع فواتير الفساد، الشعب، بتعرفوه؟ أغلى ما نملك، أهم مورد اقتصادي… يا متعلمين يا بتوع المدارس

ملاحظة: آسفة على اللغة المختلطة بين الفصيحة والعامية، لتجنب التكلف تركت الحكي يطلع زي ما فكرت فيه

A Conversation with Tubby – 4

He sat there staring at me like a history buff would stare restlessly at a Da Vinci painting looking for hidden clues to some historical secret yet to be unfolded. In turn, I was staring at the wall, my mind wandering to places I wanted to be in. But it was so hard not to be annoyed.

Me:  What is wrong with you?

Tubby: Nothing

Me: Well then turn your eyes somewhere else, I know you’re imaginary and all but it still feels uncomfortable.

Tubby: Relax, it’s not like I’m contemplating your beauty. I just envy you, I mean human beings in general

Me: Envy us? You’ve never said anything like this, what’s this about?

Tubby: Your ability to dream. It’s fascinating. You know how you make up all these wonderlands inside your head, even people you like who don’t necessarily exist in real life, scenarios that are theoretically impossible to happen, things like that. And the beauty of it is that the mind believes everything you tell it so it still feels as good as real.

Me: Yeah, that’s quite amazing, but you know there is more to dreams than building castles in the air. Dreams are also about ambitions and making plans for life, you know human things like that.

Tubby:  Yes, yes… I get it. And I’m sure when these dreams come true they feel even better than the dream.

I laugh.

Tubby: What’s so funny?

Me: You see, I’ve come to discover that when a dream comes true it is usually feels less glamorous than it did when it was still a dream. Not worse, just different. I mean, it stills feels great and all but it becomes REAL, and real means responsibility and thinking about the next step and much more. Like when I published a book, it has always been a dream, and everyone was asking me how it feels to hold your own book in your hands and it is amazing, one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I’m so grateful. Yet, I didn’t enjoy this moment as much as I had imagined because I’m constantly thinking about reviews and distribution and writing another book, things like this.

Tubby: And you think that applies to everything?

Me: Pretty much. You know, like when people get married, they always dream of this perfect relationship then when things don’t turn as perfect as they’d imagined they get frustrated. Or when people graduate college, they think real life will welcome them with open arms…

Tubby: Nobody thinks that anymore…

Me: maybe not consciously, but deep inside we always have this hope that things will turn out fine. Which is good, it’s good to have this feeling, but it’s also good to keep your dreams in check.

Tubby: Do you?

Me: well, I’ve learned to pick my dreams carefully. If it’s something that’s impossible to happen I go crazy, because I know there’s no harm in dreaming about it as long as I realize it’s just a dream. However, if it’s something I’m planning to do in reality, a project or a plan, then I don’t dream, I visualize, I think, I use my imagination wisely, because I want it to be real, where the rules of the universe apply.

Tubby: Speaking of which, you should use your imagination more wildly.

Me: I know. I found that I’m not tapping into my full imagination capacity when I write. See, that’s an example: when I write I need to use my imagination to the full extent, while after writing when it’s about publishing and all these things that aren’t related to the creative process, I need to get real and deal with things professionally, like a business woman.

Tubby: It’s funny that you’re saying that since you’re the worse business woman I’ve ever seen

Me: Well, that’s another issue, but we learn by trial and error, you know.

Tubby: Yes, you do learn. But I know it’s hard.

Me: what is hard?

Tubby: Getting real after you’ve been living in your own world for 28 years.

Me: Not exactly, I’ve always been real when I needed it. It’s just that sometimes life forces you to bring it up a notch. But I still have my own world, your part of it.

Tubby: Or maybe you’re apart of mine

Me: No, wise guy. You’re not going to mess with my head. I’m real, you’re imaginary. Now  drink your tea and scramble out of here.

The Bustle in a House

There’s something about the morning after death. Everything sounds so quiet as if life came to a halt and the earth stopped going around; paying respects for the dead. And although you know that people die every day, you only feel that way when death hits close, someone you know, someone you care about. And then you realize that nothing has stopped, because life doesn’t stop for anyone, it’s because you’re living in that intense moment that you can’t process how life just goes on.

And really, it’s amazing how life goes on, but you’ve got to think when you’re in the middle of the ordeal, how do we just go on about our lives, laughing and going to work and doing all kinds of mundane stuff pretending that we’re not going to die? Actually we’re not pretending, we know we’re going to die but we just can’t believe it, it doesn’t register in our minds most of the time and we choose to foget it; because if you realized this fact, I mean if you really understood that one day you and everyone else will be dead like you realize it the moment you see the dead body of a loved one pass by, carried by 5 or 6 men to be laid down 6 feet under, if you really don’t forget that fact for one moment, how do you expect life to go on without people turning into hermits or losing their minds? Or maybe, just maybe, it will be a Utopia, but the human race has proved throughout history that we’re not perfect so, I guess the Utopia is a far-fetched possibility. So yeah, as we always say, thank God for the blessing of forgetfulness, but at the same time if you overdo it you might one day find that you didn’t make use of your days as much as you should’ve, just when it’s too late.

You know what’s a blessing too? Selfishness. Imagine that each time a person dies around the world your heart aches and as it does when it’s someone close to you. Nobody will be able to get anything done. Yet it’s a blessing in moderation, abusing it could really backfire.

And it makes you think, is anything really worth spending your days away from those you love or doing things you hate? Is anything worth fighting over? And then you think, why are so afraid of taking risks? What’s the worse that’s going to happen? I’m going to die? We’re all going to anyway…

Death is fascinating.  It brings you closer to God and to people. It brings families together. You know, one of the best things about a condolence house is when everyone leaves and close family members come together, talking about their memories of the deceased, or how they all should cooperate to support his family in every way they can, or to just have a few decent laughs after 3 days of exhausting grief. So don’t let the chance go by, if you feel the willingness to get closer to God then act  on it because you never know if or when it will come back again, and if you feel the willingness to let those you love know it then let them know it, because you never know when or how you’re going to part with them.

As someone told me a couple of days ago: Death is not the moment of departure, it’s the feeling of loss that you develop day after day when you miss that person and you realize they’re not here anymore. That’s why when we were discussing how to break the sad news to my 6 year-old cousin, I suggested that we don’t. Let him realize it at his own pace, little by little, and hopefully he’ll finally make peace with it.

So after the ceremonies are over and people go back to their own lives, because they’re not the one who’s dead, then comes the cleaning up and turning the page. This is when you have to sort out what’s left of that person, down to their most trivial positions that they will never use again, the bustle in a house as Emily Dickenson put it in her poem that keeps coming to mind year after year.

The bustle in a house
The morning after death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth, –

The sweeping up the heart,
And putting love away
We shall not want to use again
Until eternity.

The Bustle in a House

The Morning after Death

Is solemnest of industries

Enacted opon Earth –

 

The Sweeping up the Heart

And putting Love away

We shall not want to use again

Until Eternity –