A Conversation with Tubby – 7

He sat there, side-eying me with a sly smile. I tried to ignore him but you can only ignore silent gloating for so long; so I gathered every bit of anger and ferociousness I could find in me and then paused to let them simmer for a moment for the perfect defense mechanism…

Me: Stop with the stupid smile, I get it, you’re pleased, you had it your way, happy now?

Tubby: Why so tense? Relax. I’m just happy for you

Me: Oh, of course you are, you just thrive on seeing me do things against my better judgment

Tubby: Only when it makes you feel better

Me: It did make me feel better. Then it made me feel like crap, and then it made me feel better again, you know why? Because things didn’t go as you planned, thank God.

Tubby: That’s the whole point, you did something differently, you ventured out of your comfort zone, you expressed your anger, blew off some steam…

Me: Hold on there. It’s not expressing anger that made me feel good. That made me feel good for a couple of minutes, maybe hours, but it was really just a quick fix. What made me feel eventually better, I must say, is that the whole thing helped me move on to a new phase after I was stuck in one phase for too long.

Tubby: You’re welcome! What can I say, someone had to give you a push. After all who gets stuck in denial for that long

Me: sigh… I know, this was a nice reality check. The anger phase wasn’t too bad, bargaining was confusing, depression sucked but thank God I didn’t linger there for too long and I resisted the temptation to fight it off with chocolate. Acceptance is pretty cool. But you know what the problem is?

Tubby: I think I might have an idea…

Me: shut up, it’s a rhetorical question. See, I’m aware of the fact that I don’t just want to feel better, I want the things that make me feel bad to change. I don’t want to bask in acceptance so much that I’d get comfortable in it. I accept it but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to change it.

Tubby: Well, I can feel the change already

Me: Baby steps. Hopefully pretty soon I will have no need for you and you will vanish

Tubby: You can’t do that. You can’t just kick me out of your life like that

Me: Don’t underestimate my powers

Tubby: I’m not. But you can try. Actually I will go away and you will never hear from me again and let’s see how that works for you

Me: No… I mean, yes totally, but leave me some contact info so I can call you if I need you, maybe?






3 responses

  1. Often I get the feeling that Tubby wants to say {more} but refrains.
    This time was no different, I wish he bombards away sometimes, not just quick neat gritty lines 🙂
    He shall stick around cause he -too- needs this, all of this (so do we)

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