Facebook: Good morning, Ola! It’s 22 ℃ in Amman Today. Enjoy the sunshine!
Me: Thank you, Facebook. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to close you in order to finish work and be able to enjoy some of that sunshine.
Facebook: No, no, wait. Say, Um… What’s on your mind?
Me: Really, Facebook, I find this question an over-simplification. There is a lot on my mind. If you are asking sincerely you might as well grab a chair, get some coffee and then we can sit down and chat and I’ll tell you what’s on my mind. But neither of us has the time so…
Facebook: No, no, I have time. I have nothing but time. I’m a machine that feeds on time and turns it into lost lives and dark circles around the eyes. Go ahead, don’t just type and delete. Dare to hit Enter.
Me: You know, on a second thought, you don’t want to know what’s on my mind.
Facebook: Oh I do want to know
Me: No, I mean you won’t like what’s on my mind
Facebook: Fine, okay. How about a picture? Here, let me check your phone… Album, camera, that’s it: Say something about this photo.
Me: What the… Are you trying to give me a heart attack? You can’t just spring a photo on me and tell me to share it. This wasn’t meant for the eyes of the public!
Facebook: What’s the big deal? I told you “only you can see this”.
Me: Yes, but by the time I realized it was a suggestion and I hadn’t actually shared the picture by mistake a blood clot could’ve traveled all the way up my aorta.
Facebook: Okay, forget about pictures. Here are some people you may know.
Me: Ummm, I really don’t know these people.
Facebook: But you have like a zillion mutual friends.
Me: Yes, but I really have never heard of them.
Facebook: You went to the same school, have the same last name…
Me: Okay, some of them I do know but I would like to continue to pretend like I don’t, okay?
Facebook: Ugh, okay. Hey, today is Fulan Al-Fulani’s birthday, write something on their wall!
Me: Well, Fulan Al-Fulani and I have been perfectly happy ignoring each other on Facebook for the past 5 years, so no, thank you.
Facebook: Come on, socialize, it’s just a birthday wish.
Me: No, really, we have a good thing going and I don’t want to ruin it.
Facebook: Sigh… Okay, I guess there’s nothing more to do here…
Me: Wait, what’s that? People I don’t know posting pictures about an event I couldn’t care less about? Sounds like a good way to spend the next hour…