A Conversation with Facebook

Facebook:  Good morning, Ola! It’s 22 ℃ in Amman Today. Enjoy the sunshine!

Me: Thank you, Facebook. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to close you in order to finish work and be able to enjoy some of that sunshine.

Facebook: No, no, wait. Say, Um… What’s on your mind?

Me: Really, Facebook, I find this question an over-simplification. There is a lot on my mind. If you are asking sincerely you might as well grab a chair, get some coffee and then we can sit down and chat and I’ll tell you what’s on my mind. But neither of us has the time so…

Facebook: No, no, I have time. I have nothing but time. I’m a machine that feeds on time and turns it into lost lives and dark circles around the eyes. Go ahead, don’t just type and delete. Dare to hit Enter.

Me: You know, on a second thought, you don’t want to know what’s on my mind.

Facebook: Oh I do want to know

Me: No, I mean you won’t like what’s on my mind

Facebook: Fine, okay. How about a picture? Here, let me check your phone… Album, camera, that’s it: Say something about this photo.

Me: What the… Are you trying to give me a heart attack? You can’t just spring a photo on me and tell me to share it. This wasn’t meant for the eyes of the public!

Facebook: What’s the big deal? I told you “only you can see this”.

Me: Yes, but by the time I realized it was a suggestion and I hadn’t actually shared the picture by mistake a blood clot could’ve traveled all the way up my aorta.

Facebook: Okay, forget about pictures. Here are some people you may know.

Me: Ummm, I really don’t know these people.

Facebook: But you have like a zillion mutual friends.

Me: Yes, but I really have never heard of them.

Facebook: You went to the same school, have the same last name…

Me: Okay, some of them I do know but I would like to continue to pretend like I don’t, okay?

Facebook: Ugh, okay. Hey, today is Fulan Al-Fulani’s birthday, write something on their wall!

Me: Well, Fulan Al-Fulani and I have been perfectly happy ignoring each other on Facebook for the past 5 years, so no, thank you.

Facebook: Come on, socialize, it’s just a birthday wish.

Me: No, really, we have a good thing going and I don’t want to ruin it.

Facebook: Sigh… Okay, I guess there’s nothing more to do here…

Me: Wait, what’s that? People I don’t know posting pictures about an event I couldn’t care less about? Sounds like a good way to spend the next hour…




One response

  1. Well, at least TWITTER turns them blue!
    “turns it into lost lives and dark circles around the eyes”

    (resting my case)

    I saw this yday and the # 1 thought that popped was:

    وينك يا توبي

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