Once again like a thief in the night solitude invades her privacy. It attacked her like an angry wave on a deserted shore, and she was swept with the currents…
She thought it was over, she tried to pluck herself out of it over and over, but it was obvious to her by now that solitude is an integral part of her being. Yet, this time it was different. The desire to be alone has always been there, yet now it was something more than that, she just didn’t want to deal with people, didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. People were becoming aliens to her as the only thought on her mind when she was with them became: I want to go home, and think.
Think of what?
The same thought thakept her awake until dawn several nights until she almost forgot how people sleep.
The knot in her stomach. The silence. The numbness.
She prayed with hopes for the best, but she ws ready for anything.
Amid the darkness of the room, A ray of sunlight came through a hole in the wall and gave her a warm sensation
She knew that hole shouldn’t be there, she knew it was wrong. She shielded it with her hand for a moment, then she missed the sunlight again
She knew it shouldn’t be there because if it rains, the water will come through, and she will regret not closing it when she could
She knew it was there, but the darkness was feeding an eminent depression, shattered for a moment by that sunray
She basked in what little comfort that light has brought, waiting to muster enough strength to mend the hole in the wall, or for the wall to come down altogether
It was that time of the day when you feel the world outside your mind ceases to exist, and the thoughts come cascading in like a downpour of summer rain. She longed for that, and as she closed her eyes, it was pitch black.
“Solitude is a self-induced state”, she told herself. But just when she thought she was out of the woods, her mind was craving solitude again, but she could no longer go there. It wasn’t her zone anymore, but she was longing for it.
Longing for solitude, she knew she had hit rock bottom
Solitude is often a temporary state of mind, a transitory phase between denial and acceptance.
That’s how she’s always thought of it.
But then something scary happened. Everything seemed fake and pointless and she was driven by a hunch she no longer trusted.
And then came face to face with what something she never dreaded, because it never crossed her mind
Solitude was now a lifestyle
She felt fulfilled, as if she doesn’t need anything else in life
She felt like a huge gap has been filled
She felt secure, and in control
But from among the crowds she saw something trying to break her solitude
She was mesmerized for a moment, but then she went on her way, because she remembered…
She was too busy
Hesitation is the father of lost opportunities
Regret is their shadow
It’s that moment of clarity
Utter, pure, undisturbed clarity
It comes right after you open your eyes after a long night’s sleep and the whole world seem like a big blank page of nothingness
It’s that brief moment where you don’t remember anything that bothers you. No, “remembering” isn’t even an option, because those things don’t even seem to have ever existed in that parallel transitory universe
It’s that moment of peace that the heart seizes before the mind gets in gear, and it all comes rushing back in…
“Good morning, and welcome to reality”
It’s an ugly feeling
No, it’s a painful feeling
Well, not really painful, more like a tingling
No, it’s just a normal feeling
…If normal means feeling like your heart is being squeezed inside an iron fist
Yeah, it’s like that
No one can see me cry
Because my tears are mine
And my sorrow is mine
And my longing is mine
No one can know I’m stuck
Because my dignity is more precious than my happiness
I don’t need anyone…
I just need some help
Because I can see the way
But I don’t know how to get out…
But… what if it’s all was a dream?
A world you build in your mind and you loved so much that you believed is true
Or maybe you hate it so much but you don’t have the courage to forsake it
It doesn’t really matter
The question is,
Would you want to wake up?