Tips for a less Crappy Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of the year again, brace yourself for angry messages showering your timeline on facebook and Twitter condemning Valentine’s and objecting to this practice of singling out one day of the year to celebrate love, this universal notion we should celebrate on daily basis.

Well, that is absolutely right, and I do respect the idea, but I can’t help but think that the motives behind these messages might not be quite in accordance with the spirit of love. Actually, I think that the angrier the message, the bigger the denial, the bitterness and the dire need for love in the heart of that person. And being married or in a relationship doesn’t exempt you from that theory, by the way.

But don’t feel so bad, we are all guilty of that, aren’t we? It’s just so tempting to diss Valentine’s and the people who celebrate it. Too many jokes to be made, too much annoying romantic rubbish.

So, for the love birds out there, some PDA is okay, overdoing it or cheesing it is NOT okay, it seems like you’re just looking for an audience and it’s quite pathetic, to put it mildly. Oh, and we know that some of you only flirt on facebook, in real life it’s Grapes of Wrath. We, the audience, know, and we don’t like it.

Anyway, for those who are still on the safe side, it’s good to take this opportunity to remind yourself with some basic rules of thumb to avoid being a victim of those feelings of bitterness and negativity at some point:

 

– No matter how much you love someone, that doesn’t mean that you can change them with your love. This mistake is mostly made by women, because they are women.

– Don’t be foolish and go for words, love is a verb. If he makes you feel good about yourself, tells you nice things or sounds flirtatious or concerned at times that’s by no means enough to say that he loves you. Maybe you’re just filling a certain void for him.

– Selfish? Run for your life. A selfish person cannot love you, he’s too consumed loving himself. Love is an act of giving, a person who can’t give love would not be able to receive it. So, unless you hate yourself enough, stay away from him at the first signs of selfishness or gross narcissism.

– If he’s too afraid of commitment, let him go. Pressuring him into something could lead to disastrous ramifications, not the least of which is that he’d be bored soon enough and would try to paddle away from you as fast as he could. You want someone who wants to be with you, not someone who feels like he’s doing you a favor.

– Remember that not everyone will get to find and experience true love during their lifetime. And it’s perfectly okay. But also keep in mind that you can experience real love in all different forms, ranging from a baby nephew to a pet turtle.

– Remember: Once a disappointment, Twice a disappointment, Thrice a disappointment, always a disappointment.

– And for God’s sake remember: If someone likes you, he will tell you. If he doesn’t tell you, then he doesn’t like you. You swallow your pride when you’re in a relationship, not before, you idiot.

– Finally, five golden words to keep in mind: “I don’t need this crap”.

How Quotes Ruined Your Life

You know the wise stuff you keep reading on your Facebook/Twitter timeline? Yes, quotes. They could be uplifting, happy, sad in a for-ever-alone-style or whatever floats the boat of whoever copy-pates them. The problem is they sound so wise and charming that people may take them for granted or even generalize them to all life situations, which is bad, and here are some examples to show you why:

1-  “If you love something let it go if it is truly yours it will come back to you”: I’m puzzled, if you really, really love or want something and you believe you should have it, why would you set it free? I know there are cases where this actually applies but this quote is so mass-circulated that it seems to be used for everything. And it’s worst when you apply it on people, real human beings, because here’s a newsflash for you: when you let them go it means you want them to go, they’re most probably not coming back. So I suggest you delete that from your little quotations notebook and replace it with: If you really love something then do whatever you can to make it yours, if after everything you do it slipped away, then it’s not yours, but at least you know you tried.

2- “Speech is silver, silence is gold”: Okay, silence could be better sometimes, but that is when you don’t have something good to say; because silence is safe but it isn’t likely to get you anywhere. So yes, think of a good answer and if you don’t have one then feel free to shut up.

3- “If you’re not lucky, don’t even bother trying”: Actually this is originally a modern Arabic proverb that gets on my last nerve اللي ما إلو حظ لا يتعب ولا يشقى You idiots! Idiots! You still don’t get it? The concept of “Luck” as it’s conceived by people nowadays is the excuse people use to justify their failure, there’s no such thing as: “I’m just lucky/ unlucky” there is work, there is Providence, there’s a number of things that go into why you succeed/fail at things, but there’s no such thing as being a success or a failure just because it’s your luck. You know, I know a girl who has always complained about her luck, and I always told her that her attitude is part of the problem. I went to visit her once when her life has really changed a lot and yet she was still complaining. That day I realized that people who want to complain will find something to complain about, and you really don’t want to be one of them because these are unhappy people.

4- “Love is blind”: Well, if you mean that love makes you overlook the flaws of the person you love then okay, but if you’re using it in the context most people use it in then you’re a moron. You know, a girl loves a man who doesn’t respect her, or a man who loves a woman who treats him like crap and then they say: love is blind. Love isn’t blind, and it has never been. What you call love is perhaps lust or weakness or masochist tendencies or whatever but it is most certainly not love.

5- “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”: I can imagine that the person who came with this was either some French Aristocrat in a “let them eat cake” fashion, a jeweler who made money out of this. I mean, really, what’s the point of diamonds? They are overrated nice looking rare stones that have become the ultimate proof of love somehow. How ridiculous is this? It’s even offensive. And seriously, how can a diamond be your best friend exactly? What does it do? NOTHING. It just sits there looking all pretty and shiny, the diamond not the girl. Now if you tell me that a dog is a man’s best friend it makes sense, a dog fetches, barks, entertains, protects against strangers… but a diamond? Let’s try to put it this way: If a war breaks out and you have time to take one thing only before leaving the house, what would it be? I’ll take my laptop, I can tell you that is my best friend.

6- A spoon of Nutella a day keeps the shrink at bay: Obviously nobody said that, I did, and it’s a load of crap because 1 spoon is not even remotely enough. It wouls still be total bull to say a jar of Nutella a day because that would keep depression at bay for the duration if having Nutella, then you’d be stuck with the guilt of consuming so much carbs and then your waistline wouldn’t be so happy and… wait, am I philosphying Nutella? I guess this means it’s time to stop right here, right now. Yeah that’s pretty much it.

How to Survive Valentine’s Day for Dummies

Yes, you hate it, you think it’s stupid, but the fact remains that: It’s everywhere! Wherever you go you’re faced with those little provocative ugly teddy bears carrying little vulgar red hearts, not to mention the ginormous amount of PDA and those blood-curdling teenage status messages on Facebook that make you just want to SCREAM BLUE MURDER! Or maybe red murder for that matter…

So, for all of you out there who think Valentine’s day is just a sad excuse for a hoax to fool people into buying over-priced red roses and make you feel unloved and unlovable, here are some tricks to help you pull through the day with hopefully minimum damage. For some people those very tips may come in handy on other occasions too, say, your birthday.

Now for your first line of defense you’re going to need a set of prescribed ideas to keep repeating in your head in case you were stung by that seasonal feeling of dramatic loneliness. I expect you would agree that these are quite rational and valid statements too.

1- I’m better off alone

Oh, of course you are. Of course it could be for all kinds of reasons like if you have intimacy issues, privacy issues, your cat died when you were 5 and you swore you wouldn’t get attached to another oxygen-breathing creature again, you can’t stand to be controlled, etc. OR maybe it’s simply because you’re insufferable. Surely enough there must be a reason behind that but, who wants to change it anyway?

2- Love makes you weak

Which is a euphemism for: nice and less selfish. Yeah, who wants to be like that? I mean, imagine if everyone became nicer and a little less selfish, what would happen to the world as we know it? Now, shake that image off, shake it off, there you go.

 

3- Nobody understands me

And Einstein is dead, so…

4- Love doesn’t exist

And this feeling you claim to experience is basically a flow of chemicals to the brain. You call them “butterflies” I call them “Nerve Growth Factor”.

5- All the good ones are taken

Which, I suppose, makes you one of the bad ones. A horrible, horrible person that no one can love.

6- Remember: Valentine is meant to celebrate the “Love of Humanity”

And keep reminding others of that too. Even if you’re usually a selfish capitalist or a social climbing sociopath, it probably wouldn’t hurt to assume the “we are the world” attitude for one day.

 

7- [New!] How can you celebrate love while there’s so much hate in the world?

Yes! Shame on you

 

Enough with the self-pity, now let’s move on to another technique: Emotional Eating. I wouldn’t really recommend that as it makes you feel greedy and repulsive and all kinds of bad feelings which could lead to more self-pity, but who doesn’t do it from time to time? So I’m not going to get all preachy about it, I’ll only say this: White chocolate is NOT chocolate.

 

Things to avoid:  Social Media especially Facebook, TV, Radio stations, Teenagers, newlyweds, public places, people in general… pretty much everything and everyone, just sleep it off.

And you especially want to avoid romantic movies for all the false hope they commercialize. You know, it doesn’t often happen in real life that 2 hunks are fighting over you and you get the better one at the end while the other one remains a good friend. Ya 3aini 3al ketheb.

You also need to face the facts. Stop weaving fairy tales out of thin air and drop misconceptions like “He’s being a jerk because he likes me” Oh really? Let me break it to you then: If he’s being a jerk, he’s not interested. If he’s avoiding you, he’s not interested. If he acts like he’s not interested then he sure as hell is not interested. However, if he’s sending mixed signals then YOU better not not be freakin’ interested. What are you, 13?

That’s pretty much about it. If this didn’t ruin the mood for you I don’t know what would. Enjoy the day!

Drama’s Most Consumed Opening Lines

Disclaimer: the author of this post does not by any means exclude herself from having fallen into the trap of using one or more of the below rhetorics at some point of her life. The author also has no idea why she’s speaking in third person.

We all had that particular skeleton in our closet. We’ve all at some point felt victimized by society. It’s pretty normal to feel that way, but while some people may shake the idea off and actually resort to logic and reason to solve their problems, others may find it the ideal chance to indulge in self-pity. But don’t feel bad for it, I mean it’s okay as long as you only do it from times to time, you know reach the bottom to get up again and stuff, preferably locking yourself up at home as not to take it out on poor innocent people, but I think we all agree that some of us just blow it out of proportion.

Usually there are common signs for Dramatic Indulgence, so to speak, among which are those lines that have a natural ability of brining your blood to a boiling temperature. Those lines include but are not exclusive to:

1-  “Nobody understands me”. Well, in all fairness many of us find ourselves sometimes in an environment where we are the square peg in the round hole. You might even be born in that kind of environment where you’re the different one or even the black sheep, and it’s quite natural to feel that nobody understands you, in certain circles that is, but to say that nobody in the whole wide world understands you? Well, get a life. There’s a thin line between not being understood and shutting people out. Actually it’s not a thin line, it’s a whole universe.

 

2- “Nobody loves me”. Oh, aren’t you the cutest miserable thing? Give it a rest. I’m sure someone somewhere is crazy enough to love such a wet blanket like yourself.  I mean, even Charlie Sheen had someone to love him as he was blowing his life away on national TV. How bad could it be?

3-  “I’m lonely/ I have no one”. Well, there are 6 billion people in the world, sort yourself out. Not working? Then learn how to be happy alone, loneliness is grossly underrated.

4-  “Nobody cares about me”. Try turning your cell phone off for a day or two. Somebody always cares, even if for the wrong reasons!

5-   “I will never find my other half”. Newsflash: you are not a half, you’re a whole person. Nobody complements you, they just add to your life, or eat away at it for that matter. It’s a matter of the right person in the right time, which might take some time according to probability laws (Right person, right time/ Right person, wrong time/ Wrong person, right time/ Wrong person, wrong time) See? It’s a 25% chance so chill.

6-  “My life sucks”. Maybe because you suck?

7-   “I wish I’d die”. Yes because you’re going straight to heaven, no? Enjoy it while it lasts.

8-   “It’s just my bad luck”. Seriously, don’t even get me started! The best excuse for failure.

9-   “Why does this happen to me?”.  Well, why not? Good things, bad things, good people, bad people, it doesn’t matter. THINGS HAPPEN, deal with it.

Be positive, and grain of salt isn’t such a bad thing too!

تعليقاً على المسخرة

اليوم الصبح وأنا رايحة على الشغل سمعت خبر بقول: الحكم على بقال اعتدى جنسياً على طفلة في التاسعة من عمرها 5 مرات بالسجن عامين ونصف. طبعاً هادا خبر مش نكتة ولا تاغ لاين لمسرحية هزلية أو كوميديا سوداء…هادا بكل تناقضاته خبر صحيح وممكن تقرؤوه هون

طبعاً رد فعلي الأولي كان إنه شو هالمسخرة! بالمرة أعطوه حصانة سياسية… بس قلت خليني أقرأ الخبر وأشوف الحيثيات اللي أدت لهيك حكم… بما إني أكيد مش رح أكون افهم بالقانون أكتر من القاضي اليي أصدر الحكم، وكما هو متوقع لا جديد تحت الشمس

وخليني أحاول ألخص باختصار النقاط الرئيسية واللي بتحط المنطق في الأرض وبتدعس عليه كمان

1- بقولك الحكم على الجاني بعامين ونصف لأن أفعاله تطال العفة، طيب البنت اللي عمرها 9 سنين مش المفروض ينحكى بعفتها أصلاً لأنها طفلة، طفلة بريئة، العفة مصطلح بنستخدمه لما نحكي عن الكبار اللي ممكن يكونوا بعفة أو بلا عفة، أما طفلة في هالعمر المفروض يكون التركيز على الأذى النفسي والجسدي اللي وقع عليها، أهلاً عفة! ناهيك عن إنه المفروض نفصل بين العفة والشرف والاعتداء الجنسي ونبدأ نفهم إنه الاغتصاب لا ينتقص من شرف الضحية أو عفتها 0

2- بقولك الاعتداء لم يكن فيه تهديد أو عنف… وهون بنرجع لنفس النقطة، البنت عمرها 9 سنين يعني عنف مش عنف تهديد مش تهديد هاي جريمة بكل المقاييس وإن لم يكن فيها عنف ففيها أبشع أنواع الاستغلال

3- الزلمة اعتدى على البنت مش مرة أو مرتين، خمس مرات! يعني لو قسمنا المحكومية على عدد مرات الاعتداء بطلع لكل مرة 6 أشهر… حلوين! بس يا ترى لو كانت الطفلة بنت شخصية مهمة في البلد أو بنته للقاضي كان رضي بهيك حكم مخزي؟

وبعدين بقولك في ناشطين مناهضين لعقوبة الإعدام… طيب والأشكال اللي بدها إعدام يقص رقبتها شو نعمل فيها؟

يفضح عرض التخلف

معلش أكون حفرتلية شوي؟

ارتفع ضغطي، جد في ناس مش عارفة كيف بفكروا وكيف بطلع معهم الحكي ….

هلأ كنت بقرأ تعليقات على فيلم قصير عن الاغتصاب، ولا هو واحد مش عارفة بصراحة إذا كان عميل مغرض ولا هو بحكي من كل عقله، ومن كتر ما الحكي اللي حكاه متخلف وينم عن عقلية متشنجة مش قادرة حتى أعيده، بس الفكرة منه هي التالي:

ما في إشي اسمه اغتصاب، هادا مصطلح اخترعوه عشان يبرروا الزنا للمرأة

ما هي المرأة هي اللي بتغتصب الزلمة وبتروح تتبلى عليه؟ قلعاط يكتكم!! قرف اللي يقرفكوا… مش عارفة من أي زاوية ممكن أقيم غباء التعليق طبعاً، أهلاً يبرر… مين اللي بدو يبرر بالزبط؟

والمصيبة الأكبر هي إنه اللي بعلق هيك تعليق بحكيه بطريقة كإنه هادا رأي الدين، أعوذ بالله!! مش بكفي إنه في ناس ببينوا تخلفهم وبحطوا حالهم في مواقف بتخزي، كمان بدهم يشوهوا صورة الدين…  والدين وكل الأديان بريئة من هيك تخلف وعبط

إشي بخزي

Ugh…

Ugh…

Friday, January 22, 2010

So, I’m trying to write this book review for the book “I saw Ramallah”, and since I read the book in Arabic I wanted to write the review in eloquent standard classic Arabic, and guess what? I couldn’t get through the first paragraph! But the good news is, I figured out the problem, I figured out why I can’t write in standard Arabic, and it is because…

I FEEL LIKE I’M TRANSLATING!! I FEEL LIKE I’M AT WORK!!

I had to spill it out, but I’m still trying to write that book review, and in good old standard Arabic!!

Sick of This

I’m sick of people calling for freedom of expression, asking people not to judge them and to respect the way they think while they show no respect for other people beliefs, and they jump on any opportunity to criticize and attack those beliefs.

Case in point, we have several anti-Islamic streams in the Arab World. What amazes me is that the people who belong to those streams say they are leftist or whatsoever, yet the only thing that seems to concern them is how to distort the image of Islam. Is promoting your beliefs dependant on undermining other people’s beliefs?

I think we, Aravs, have a serious problem. If you look at Western thinkers like Naom Chomsky, I guess you’ll never find him being biased or prejudicial. Why? Because it’s pointless, and that’s someone who has no time for trashing other people’s beliefs.

Some people would ramble on for hours that you can wear whatever you want, it’s a personal choice, yet when they see a woman wearing Hijab they would be like: “Why would you cover your hair? Why would you do this to yourself? This is a sign of oppression…” bla bla bla.

I can go like this forever because it’s getting nasty. If you don’t believe in something then why would you spend your life trying to refute it? That should mean that you believe in it deep inside but you’re trying to convince yourself it’s not true. I could see it in those who say they don’t believe in God then they blame God for floods and hurricanes. This is absurd.

If you want people to respect your beliefs, you have to respect theirs. If you want people to respect your choice in attire, you have to respect theirs. Stop pretending to be objective, because you’re not, and you know it.

And oh, please, stop wearing T-shirts with Che Guevara’s pictures. I guess if he is to go back to this world and see what his name has come to; he’ll just go back to the grave.

Originally Posted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007 on http://oeliwat.jeeran.com/archive/2007/11/379456.html

This is Unbelievable!

 

Where were all those people hiding? all those cars to be more politically correct… have I been living on another palnet or what?
 
You know the working hours in Ramadan are just neat… from 8-3 is not that much… the problem is when you leave work and you find all those cars crammed in some avenue, all standing in a long queue that goes down from the third circle to God knows where it ends… Now we fuguered it would be easier to wrok an extra half hour, waiting for the road rage outside to simmer down… And if you tried taking another path through Abdoun, you are faced with the maze of detours. Can you believe it took me almost 45 minutes to get home today! Well, I think I’m lucky, since it took my friend one and half an hour to get to her home in Marca!
 
Seriuosly, someone’s gotta do something about it… I mean, how abou that Gulf war or whatsoever traffic system… I mean, if you remember, cars with odd-numbered license plates were allowed on the streets one day, and cars with even-numbered license plate were allowed the next day. Don’t know if it’s quite feasible or appliccable now, but I’m desperate! Or, why not make some arrangement between companies.. I mean, why do we all have to go to work and leave at the same time? or why don’t the companies provide transportation facilities for their employees?
 
SOMEONE STOP THIS MADNESS!
Orignally postod on Monday, September 25, 2006 on http://oeliwat.jeeran.com/archive/2006/9/98677.html